2025posts:2025_journal:2025-12-01_monthly_yap_december_edition []

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Hello welcome to another xylia's incoherently random monthly yapping. IF anyone reading them, that is. I know some did, and I still didn't think anyone will read them. 

So how have I been lately? 

Mentally and medically, I think I'm doing quite alright, except for the last few days that my brain just start bullying me hard. As it tends to do and probably will do for quite sometimes, which I realized that it's close to my quarterly limit and probably period soon. Other than that, I think my new med that I got during Oct really help stabilize my mood quite a bit. It does also reduce my Pre period depression. Like from badly that I want to jump off the bridge to "Oh wow I suck" I would say it's an improvement yes. One step at a time. Some day, I did feel like if all my money spend on my med, my session with psychiatrist is worth it. But I think... if it keeps me in control and be able to have this freelance artist job as I always wanted, then I think it's worth it, even if sometimes I feel like the world punish me for trying to be better.

As for violence, thought? In this quarter, not a lot. Almost none, but I mean it just almost. Still have some here and there, but not an overwhelmingly intense urge to bite someone face off. Well I have also been learning how to calm myself down which seemingly I only remember if I have intense urge to hurt someone and not when I'm suddenly panicking lol

I heard life around 30s get easier? I hope it's true. While I'm not really in any emergency situation, I earn enough to live comfortably and that is enough for me. I mean, it would be nice if I don't have to be on meds. It's very expensive and no life insurance in Thailand actually cover for it. The unstable life of freelance still get to me. Like every time I open commission, my brain just throws me at the worst possible outcome. I feel like a lot of my problem is just me thinking in black and white and then Catastrophizing way too much. I will learn a way to deal or control with them.  But! I have been testing opening on 25th - 10th. It seems to ease me a bit like there is a month when I actually don't get enough but I'm more 'calm' when it happens. "Like oh ok here I will make this and that see how it goes". 

I wanted to say, If you read this. Please don't feel guilty if you can't or don't want to commission me. It's not my intention for telling you this. I'm just trying to voice my feeling. I think this might be something that freelancer could relate especially one that just starting out as me. And I think the fear of being left and no one will remember... might be more common than I thought. Well, even someone as smug as Xylia can still fear something like that haha. 


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I've been trying out a new thing like hobbies for me to get another source of joy that don't rely only on doing work. If you follow me on bsky, I've start getting into miniature painting. 

[b]This is my first attempt[/b] https://bsky.app/profile/abyssalstar.blue/post/3m5lm5tua7k2l
[b]Second[/b] https://bsky.app/profile/abyssalstar.blue/post/3m5nx3wueh22j
[b]Third[/b] https://bsky.app/profile/abyssalstar.blue/post/3m6oqcobg7c26

All of my attempt I can say that miniature painting is really help me take my mind off thing in a way that make me focus on just painting, so this is something I will make it regular hobby. I have also been interested in 'WH40k' universe and then 'Trench crusade'. Although a model I want from GW is probably something related to blood bowl, I think it's really in a 'cool silly' universe that I like a lot. I don't really want to play their war game tho, just collecting cool stuff especially anything that is skeleton model lol (pls can I have undead cheerleader 😫) I'm also not sure how to start painting something with a complex design as like I don't have a lot of color on hand xD

I will probably try more hobbies see what I like. I'm always up for learning stuff even if it won't land or stuck with me.

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For my art wise. I still really want to take my personal art to more hard contrast, simple shadow cel shade look. I'm still learning how to draw a simple BG, I think I really like it when I open a promo for a free BG to help me learn. I find it fun to do so that is why newer YCH I try to include them, but also I don't like drawing interior still lol. I'm still thinking of a way how can I do commission faster but not impacting my quality. I think everyone who commission me frequently know by now my level of completion, like how long I take to finish comms. But every time I try to push harder, I just ended up hurting myself (not as in actual self harm but like well you know.) So now I hit my limit of how fast I can make thing. But well at least my new method of queuing comms make thing easier for me.

I really like character design, so I really enjoy how silja are like multiple person + multiverse creature so I have been having fun coming up with new form. new iteration but sometimes I do feel like dam will people get bored by it xD 
Still this year, despite everything, I do have fun with improving my art. And I hope to do more! I'm expanding lore behind silja, europa, zodia evne if i'm too shy to actually publish it aside from explaining here and there in description. I look forward to see my improvement for next year :>

I hope you're doing well if not then I hope thing get easier or better for you soon.