2026posts:2026_journal:2026-01-01_realization []

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It took Xylia entire year to realized Xylia actually hate her/himself. Trying to keep moving forward and be workaholic is just way to get dopamine and be 'productive' hence not have to stay still and finally look at what is trying to catching up.

Xylia doesn't recognized that thinking she is undeserving of people attention, love, money or kindness is a form of self hate. Not to mention thinking that she has not suffer or work hard enough to earn any of it or a right to ask for it and other should have it more than her. And a couple more thing that her self destructive brain want her to commit. Xylia's brain suck ass, spilling all sort of nasty shit that she wouldn't speak to her most hated enemies. Or trying to make her doubling down on self destructive thing.

But it doesn't sound like self hate. It's feel so 'right' and normal. IT'S always has been. This is why she didn't pick it up.

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Maybe... Xylia is kinda like narcissus but instead of looking at the reflection and be awe about it, It's more of losing oneself in the pursuit of possibilities of becoming something else to escape the pain. Xylia has two extreme side and she want to go either side but lost. Pain of being mediocre. Stuck in the middle. Xylia try to tackle goals after goal only to feel the bar raise and heart empty. Only ended up feeling of she can't be anything except not good enough.

A lot of what xylia did is to escape pain, masking it as self love and see potential in herself so she want to improve it. But the funny thing is... that potential is not a total bullshit. Xylia is not a totally hopeless and a lost cause. (Tbh if she is... it might save herself a lot of pain and trouble heh) But to actually see it and do something about it you're force to look at what is sweeping under the rug. And oh my how do she love something that stare back at her reflection? This asshole. Maybe She do owe them something. Acceptance maybe. Acknowledgement? definitely.

Xylia can't say or promise next year it will be better. But whatever the hell Xylia turn out to be, She will try to manage. At the very least, Xylia know now that she hate herself. Like finally this is the compass she need and maybe with that a solution or at least something to know how to work toward. but hey she learn a lot this year. A lot of them are painful realization. But knowing them is better than not knowing them at all. Even if it painful.

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